Pear Tree Down

On the chopping block today is a freshly blow-me-downed tree. This once beautiful shade tree that sheltered the southside of Timmy J. Studios from the brutal summer Texas sun was blown down by a spring storm and is now a pile of debris ready to be cut to pieces and seasoned for firewood or built into a fort to keep those flesh-eating hordes of zombies at bay.

Don't delay, save your skin and bid today!

Stethoscope Out this Deal!

Mmmmmmm . . . Hearty.

Playing doctor was never so much fun and at such a steal! Listen to you heart with this handy dandy stethoscope! Check for heart murmurs, collapsed lungs, or listen to the mating habits of your neighbors. It has two settings, though we have no clue why, and one seems to work better than the other. So if you're not a doctor but would like to play one on TV, this item is the perfect place to start.

Don't let this deal flatline—^v—^v—————bid today!

(Monkeys not included)

Stir up a Hornet's Nest of Fun!

Mmmmmm . . . Creepy.

There ain't no honey in this honeycomb of pure concentrated evil. Fresh from our patio overhang to your door, a waspish cradle full of larval yellow jackets. They'll be cute for a while, but once they pupate, watch out! These little devils will show you what it truly means to taste like burning. Plant this in the sock drawer, desk, or car of your favorite person to hate and watch the wackiness ensue once they take flight.

Don't let this deal fly away—bid today!

(No refunds or exchanges of this item.)

Fire Island

Mmmmmmmmm . . . Caliente.

This auction's hot, Hot, HOT! On the block is one lot of Taco Bell FIRE Sauce. Enjoy the fiery frivolity of each piquant packet's saucy message, such as: "At night the sporks pick on me," "This space for rent. Inquire within," and the classic, "Thanks for rescuing me. Mild was getting on my nerves."

Sure to be a hit at your next soiree—don't hesitate, bid today!

Poseable 12" Wooden Model

Mmmmmmmmm . . . Wood.

This little guy always has wood—because he's made of it! This poseable wooden model has mostly fully articulated joints and can be posed in any number of ways. He is an ideal reference for sketching and sculpting the human form. Born in the People's Republic of China and sold on the Capitalist shelves of IKEA, this wooden model will bring you literally minutes of joy as you pose him and then regret owning him as he is one more thing to dust. So forget male enhancement sugar pills, we have all the 12 inches of wood you need . . .

. . . And it's just a bid away!

Prehistoric Bonus! Jurassic Park Trading Cards

Mmmmmmmmmmmm . . . Roar.

All the way from prehistory (1993), this complete set features all your favorite leather-skinned baddies featured in the classic Spielberg film: Dilophosaur, Procompsognathus, Velociraptor, and the fearsome Tyrannosaurus Rex!

Don't let this offer go extinct and fade away . . . BID TODAY!

UPDATE: One bid of "seller pays shipping, but that's as high as I'll go" has been offered. BID NOW!

Desert Storm Collector Cards Come Marching In

Mmmmmmmm . . . Sandy.

Relive the glory days of President Bush (the older, wiser one) when he and Norman Schwarzkopf humiliated Saddam Hussein in 1991 as they chased him out of Kuwait with such classic war machines as the F117A Stealth Fighter-bomber, B52 Flying Stratofortress, and the omniscient AWACS radar and surveilence jet.

Remember when Iraq strayed and BID TODAY!

Chasing the Jade Dragon

Mmmmmmmmmmm . . . Super Green

On the block, this dragon's no fool. Carved from the most beautiful and sought-after jade-like resiny plastic, it is one of a limited production run offered by the fine retailer, Target. Old Jadey here will watch over your Asian-themed space while he playfully tosses his sun-ball around.

So pick out his new place to stay and BID TODAY

Anemone? Anemo-You!

Mmmmmmmm . . . Aloha.

Direct from the crystal waters and sugar sand beaches of luscious Hawaii, spines of the dreaded sea anemone safely preserved with a handful of silky sand from Hawaii (or Home Depot) in a briney solution of distilled water, alcohol, and fragrant formaldehyde, all sealed in an authentic empty Origins-brand sea salt bottle.

Escape to the tropics anytime by just gazing into this little slice of paradise.

Don't let this one sail away—bid today!

Two Thousand Zero Mustang Convertible

Mmmmmmmmmm . . . Breezy.

Up for the offing today is a black 2000 Ford Mustang Convertible. It has all the goodies one could want in a Mustang: tan leather interior, Mach 460 premium sound system, automatic transmission, antilock brakes, aluminum wheels, rocker panel stripes and lettering, and power everything.

Plus . . .

Not only does the top drop, it drips, too! That's right, lowering the top isn't the only thing that converts on this convertible—it also doubles as a portable pool! Beat the heat on those long commutes by parking in the rain, near some sprinklers, or drive through a carwash and enjoy a refreshing splash of a ride home!

Don't let this one get away . . . BID TODAY!